take care…

the biggest lesson which i have learned in my life till today…

“when nobody takes care of u , u hv to take that respnsblty urself…”

no matter what relationship you share with anyone , dont ever forget that they are there for their own needs… they dont give a damn about you , about your needs , about your happiness and about your well being… they are only there for their own personal need and nothing else… and by relationship i mean everything , father-son , mother-son , brother-sister , boyfriend-girlfriend , husband-wife and all every other you can think of… the true selfless , full of sacrificeful love and care are just the things of books and movies… in real life they dont exist…

you believe this fact today or not , but one day you will realise it and i hope it is not that late….

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2nd year……

the year was a roller coaster ride for me….. I experienced everything in this year of my life…. everything means everything…. love , friendship , betrayal , anger , fight , rage…. everything… everything….

 

people generally says 1st year of college is the best…. I don’t agree… I think mine first year was my nut-cracking and I finally started getting into the environment…. I started leaving my inhibitions… the process is slow but I have started noticing its effects… the effects are both positive and negative…. but it is the law of nature , every thing has two sides….

 

 

3rd semester  :::::

the sem began very weird… I got infection in my throat and the infection was very serious and it took almost two weeks to complete heal off… that means I got back to college after 3 weeks after the college start date… I was almost attendance short in everything… I have straight 3 bunks in all the labs… and my college is short of very kamina in terms of attendance…. and I have to be in my new room with my new roommates…. I got back in the college and started attending my classes… everything started normal… but mine and mine best friend’s path began to go in the opposite directions and we started arguing on everything…. I started changing then… I started changing myself then and there… their chosen path is not wrong but for me it is not right… it is the same old path which everyone takes…. I want to take risk… I want to jump from the cliff to see what lies beyond that…. I want to create a something magnificient for myself… I started listening to them, observing them and started taking in all the things which I found interesting and helpful in my growth… I began to grow in leap bounds and this pissed some very badly… they are started bad-mouthing about me everywhere… and I just started enjoying it as I came to know that mine path is right as people started opposing my ideas and thinking…. but I am determined to take a risk… if I succeed I may achieve something magnificient and if I fail , normal things are there are for me….. and I will not fail…..then techfest came and my friend played the role he has to play in my life… he took some girls in our robotics team… at first I argued then I agreed as I want to explore working with girls also… first two classes were boring and then in the third class, I saw a girl who was going to change my life forever… that girl is now my girlfriend…. mine official and 1st girlfriend……  for the next two weeks she was in my mind allover…. I asked my friend for an intro but he refused then I asked my mutual friends (with p*****) they also refused and finally I went straight to her and started talking…. topics were useless…. whatever I found I began to speak on that… I clearly bored and irritated her… this continued for next two classes and then I aksed for her number and she gave it to me… I sent her the first message but no reply came and I said “whatever”… but then one day out of the blue, she send me a sms and we began to chat as I was on my way to college from cuttack… mine parents were there for some medical purpose… we talked a little and then our normal sms forward began and progressed… then we began to chat every night… our chatting grew from night to anytime in the day… mine first 2-3 invitations were rejected and then during our 3rd internal we went out for our 1st coffee… that was the bizarre meet ever… the amount we talk on the phone is no where to be found, and we were just in silent mode with each other…. from then on, we started talking more and more… at that point of time , I was just interested in friendship with her… I didn’t thought of love and relationship then… then we went home… I was sure she is not going to send her mobile number to me but she sent … I forwarded her 1 message but she kept sending and then our night chat began at home also… that is the point we become close friends with each other… we started sharing everything with each other… mostly what we think is enough for another… but we went to deeper things and we become close friends with each other… then when we returned to college we began to meet in personally and due to that we became sort-of best friends and we started to get in the limelight of the college couple circle but we were just friends then… then we had our sems exam and  I studied well and gave it well …. how well I had given that, I am waiting for that only keeping my fingers crossed….. then on the final exam we went out as I was about to go home and we cant meet for the next 1 week / 7 days….then on that night, mine train was late and we chatted till 2 am… our first longest chat….then at the home we chatted,chatted and chatted… In the meanwhile , I was getting more focused on my career and started taking responsibility and started to balance everything in my life… mine relationship with my friends started getting  more mature and adult-like than being childish and immature… I began to start focusing on understanding things than   just mugging up for the exams… I started thinking independently and creatively… some were quite very creative and really pissed off some people… people started taking me seriosly… I began making friends and enemies at a very high rate….

 

4th sem ::::

now came the sem, which changed me completely… the day I got here for my classes, I was welcomed in sms by her only… and that day wherever I went in the college I found her and we blinked and smiled at each other…. we began meeting on every wednesday… then saturday also got added to it…. then we began to meet during the college hours also by bunking classes…  we were now declared couple in the college…  but we were  not that then… we were just good friends…. during our endless talks and frequent meetings , we got middle of the bridge between friendship and love and we declared ourselves in open realtionship…. the most wonderful thing about her is that she is open minded and doesn’t shy away from experimenting with some thing… we were similar in many ways… our thinkings were just same to same the only difference was that I was more risk-taker than her in trying out new things….then on one fine day, on 12th may, we became officially couple with me proposing and she accepting…. and within a week , we were public…. and we began to chat whenever we both are free and we began to meet everyday…. we even fixed our location and places where we used to hangout….  now the balancing thing came for both and we managed to balance the things in a nice manner….. I got more involved in everything in the college… I started enjoying my college life finally… padhai-likhai took the back seat and I was recklessly trying out everything which I found out there… I was also studying exhaustively a night before exams… I finally accepted the fact that marks and grade are not that important , know-how of the subject is important…. I started understanding things and relating it to the real life… I was proclaiming it from early on but was not following it, but from this sem only , it became skin deep… I and mine friends started getting more and more mature and responsible… we all had chose our goals in abstract sense and began to pursue it exhaustively…. but we didn’t inform it to each other… our friendship became abstract and more mature….. and now I am home preparing for my end sems exam… I know how much I am preparing….

 

lets see how my exams marks the end of this phase of my life…….

the war is on…..

finally , after several attempts of  compromising with the world, I have finally gave up my hope that everything will get normal. nothing is going to be normal. it is the time I have to start to fight to get what is mine, no matter who is my opponent. everyone who will come in my way, will be fucked by me. and whoever stands between me and my dreams have to go. it is time that I should begin to prepare my army. for that I have to enter into a group and take its command into my hand and for that I have to get out of my comfort zone, for which first time in my life, I am ready . yes, I am ready to step out of my comfort zone and stop thinking what others think of me. what matters is that, I go to sleep satisfied that I had got what , what I had set out to achieve that day.  I have tried my level best to make others happy at the cost of my happiness, but the question is do they deserve it? then my answer is no. they never deserved it , they do not disturb it and they will never deserve it. there are many a few people around me who are with me. they are with me completely. but the thing is they are very limited. I can count them on my fingers.

my objectives are clear ….

some basic outline is as follows:::

1. be with my cutie pie. I don’t want to loose her at any cost.

2. took my cgpa above 8.5 at any cost in the undergraduate level.

3. crack an exam to make sure that I am doing my mtech / ms  under  some really good minds and  will compete with the ones to whom I always wanted to compete. preferably :  gate , gre , vit  or bits-pilani.

4. always try to think creatively and out-of-the-box way.

5. try to build a persona which can give sunburn to anyone.

6. make me available to only those to whom I care about. for the rest of the world, I am out of their rich.

7. always think of any activity’s future consequence as I am going to spend most of my time there.. plus always keeping in mind that present is also as important as the future. fuck the past.

8. create my own army on which I can rely during tough times.

9. get in a respectable shape.

10. always make my own way out of any situation at any cost.

PAIN………..

you can never understand pain , if you don’t have it….. pain is not something which can be bought from the market, which can be inherited, which can be shared, it is personal, it has to be earned and to earn that …. and to earn that  you need to want and desire something that badly that you can’t even think of living without it but you are forced to live without it…. for pain, you need to love something very passionately and deeply…..the stronger is the pain the deeper the person you are …. the more the pain the deeper is the convictions , the beliefs….

 

everybody can’t have the same amount of pain…. it depends how the person is…. how he sees the world , how he persieves the surrounding around him, how his mind works….

confused about (…)

right now , I am totally confused about what is exactly happening around me…..I m just confused, totally….. there are lots of factors for my confusion…. I will write about them one by one now…..

first and the most important one is about s****… she is a nice girl…. a totally gorgeous and mind-blowing girl with loads of grace  …. and I  really admire her for that…. she is a girl who had earned my respect and I really like her…. she is just my type…. she can easily be termed as the lady version of me…. she is like me, in a lot of things…. is she that good???? really I don’t know much about her… whatever I think and believe about her is what I have analyzed in the past 2 months….. yup , we met around 23 Oct. 2011 and now we are good friends ( I believe so, I don’t know what is in her mind )….. while at college we chat every night 3-4 hrs.….. and we share a lot of things with each other…. we have pretty similar likes and dislikes…. and the most important and common thing about us is that we both have very strong opinions about things and we like to learn new things, we like exploring, we have wry humor… and now comes the contradiction, she is an academic superstar and I am just a normal student of the class who is not quite famous as I am pretty lazy to do any extra things and my study also comes in that category only  and to be true I am in her fan-club….. she got a great knowledge well and it is full…. the things and the topics on which we talk are generally philosophical and meta-things…. we talk about ourselves, our dreams,our families, our likes, our dislikes….. and after that much of talking one can assume he can analyze the other one correctly…. and I  think that she is hidden-time bomb and she is shy but only physically , mentally she is my replica , always working on something, thinking about something and making some escapades from reality…. it can be noticed easily , I found it when I noticed her eye movements and the mischievous smile of hers …. and I really fall for that irrelevance of her only…..  I think she likes me and I like her too(it’s pretty obvious), but she has the same problem as me, we both are afraid of relationships and we generally don’t trust people that easily…. we  believe in what you would recieve in return is what you would give us first… we generally don’t extend the friendship hand but expect them to be extended towards us… but we also make some exceptions and sometimes we extend our hands to…. in our case, I extended mine to her and she was the one to start talking  and texting  and calling….  because I was desperate to talk to her and she is too, if I don’t send her she becomes frustrated (as per her roomies)… I just cant think of any day when I didn’t talk to her…. talking to her has become my addiction…. if I don’t do it, I am restless and frustrated……..

as usual, to be continued…..

last one week…..

last one week…. what was a week, it is hard to explain it in words…….  the last week was full of rush and there was a lot of feelings here and there around me and I was like trying very hard to understand what the hell was going here and there and why is everything so perfect this time…..

is s**** the one????  we are similar….. we are one hell a pair of misfits …… we both think a lot and we are just two kinda philosophers trying to analyse what the hell is going on here and there….. I and she have become good friends , I think so….. the relationship speed  of me and her is so fast that I am confused what is this and I believe she is confused also…it is really incomprehensible for us, we are chatting till 2 am every night , she wants to know about me and my life and she refuses to tell me about herself………

the world is falling apart…..

after all those nice and good blog post here comes  the blog post which proves the old adage,” nothing is permanent … everything is temporary”.

my good days just came to an end…. like ravan my empire just crashed with lots of misfortunes occurring on the same day….. in those events, two are the biggest and had influenced me a lot….

first is about the s*****… actually we don’t have a scene in each others life…. see the complete situation is as follows…. I am in 2nd year and she is also in 2nd year… but I saw her only 1 year later and the entire techfest thing is just about 5 days and I know it is not possible for anyone to fall in love in just 5 days…. it is impossible if you two are in talks with each other but we aren’t getting time to talk to each other… so nothing can happen and I should back off or I will get an entire new experience about girls and after that in our eyes we both will be a monster and bad ones , but that’s not they way… I know you agree to it as  it is  a good thing to fall apart happily and peacefully….. so that no one gets hurt emotionally……. we  talked about an hour and I fell for her but I don’t know what she feels for me….. I don’t know why always it happens with me only….. why I always fails in this….. I don’t know….. I really don’t know….. I think I am born to be unlucky with the girls…. even my close friends(sex=female) doesn’t stay with me for long……

 

second is not that important but it is an important one….. my grades gave decreased last semester and my thinking process and ideology is under lots of allegations and questions from everyone and even from mu closed ones….  in short my bad phase in life had just started again and again my pain and suffering had increased and I think I will never become a normal person….

 

from tommorrow it is final that I will be available to my friends and work only…. from tomorrow only work , work and work…… work is the only solution for my problems….. only doing work  is the cure….. my feelings are my weakness and my expectations from a person too……

vlcsnap-2011-10-10-23h30m54s195

the world is falling apart…..

after all those nice and good blog post here comes  the blog post which proves the old adage,” nothing is permanent … everything is temporary”.

my good days just came to an end…. like ravan my empire just crashed with lots of misfortunes occurring on the same day….. in those events, two are the biggest and had influenced me a lot….

first is about the s*****… actually we don’t have a scene in each others life…. see the complete situation is as follows…. I am in 2nd year and she is also in 2nd year… but I saw her only 1 year later and the entire techfest thing is just about 5 days and I know it is not possible for anyone to fall in love in just 5 days…. it is impossible if you two are in talks with each other but we aren’t getting time to talk to each other… so nothing can happen and I should back off or I will get an entire new experience about girls and after that in our eyes we both will be a monster and bad ones , but that’s not they way… I know you agree to it as  it is  a good thing to fall apart happily and peacefully….. so that no one gets hurt emotionally……. we  talked about an hour and I fell for her but I don’t know what she feels for me….. I don’t know why always it happens with me only….. why I always fails in this….. I don’t know….. I really don’t know….. I think I am born to be unlucky with the girls…. even my close friends(sex=female) doesn’t stay with me for long……

 

second is not that important but it is an important one….. my grades gave decreased last semester and my thinking process and ideology is under lots of allegations and questions from everyone and even from mu closed ones….  in short my bad phase in life had just started again and again my pain and suffering had increased and I think I will never become a normal person….

 

from tommorrow it is final that I will be available to my friends and work only…. from tomorrow only work , work and work…… work is the only solution for my problems….. only doing work  is the cure….. my feelings are my weakness and my expectations from a person too……

vlcsnap-2011-10-10-23h30m54s195

first talk…. a beginning of a new friendship…..

today was the day of icebreaker…. I finally gather the strength to talk to her…. I approached her for the compiling software of the automated robot for which she replied she has it in her dorm, for which I replied it’s ok…. then I gather some more  strength and again dared to start talking with her by saying sorry to her as the last time a****  introduced her to me as I was on the call with n*****…. but then it was the session of endless talks from my side, she was just an audience as I was telling her about my adventures in the colleges , in the end I asked her about her adventures in which she replied she had none as if her parents found about her they will scold her and something like that….. man , she is a killer in academics too… she got 8.7 in the 1st sem and I got 8.64 in the first sem….. so she is a proven intelligent one and with the level of questions she used to ask in the robotics class , I found out that she is very inquisitive in nature and I like that attitude as today it is very difficult to find someone who is really interested in something just like me I am not at all interested in robotics, I mean , I am interested in robotics but  on the software side not on the hardware side but now a days I am working on the hardware of the robot I am finding it really cool working with resistors, diodes, soldering irons, solders, and stuff like that, but at the end of the day I am a software guy and meanwhile I will keep a close notice on the hardware but my real passion will always be soft wares….. hail software….

 

from today I had also started my html lessons ,it is a really cool language …..the main plus point of the html is that it is a very elegant and classy language.. it is a simple yet very effective language….

 

lots of things happens today ,,,,,

1. my first talk with s****

2. v**** came back to college…..

3. p****  and b**** are on the verge of being a good friend…

4. d****** is going out of my life…..

5. my lessons of patience is going forward day by day but very steadily…..

presently, it is 1.57 am in the might and I am going to sleep as I have analog electronics labs today……

so, good night…..